is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
