He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
