someone threw a dead crab at me
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
