Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
