Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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