Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
