Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
