I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
