Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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