I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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