its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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