i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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