I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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