I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
