hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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