shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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