You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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