So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he puts the penis in happiness.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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