I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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