ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
