I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
