worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
