dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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