i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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