I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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