I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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