I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
