I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In other news, I just burned my penis
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
