last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
