did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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