it was like eating out sand paper
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
