I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
