i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
