my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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