At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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