I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
