I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
