I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
