I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
