got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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