I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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