Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
