we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
