the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
