at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
