I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
