i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
