he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
