I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
