Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
